5 years goal

Goals I want to accomplish in the next 5 years.

-Finish reading the bible.
-Skate like an NHL player.
-Play hockey like an NHL player. ;P
-Dunk on a 10 foot rim
-Play ball like a pro.
-Jump serve on a 8 foot volleyball net
-Sprint 100m in under 11 sec.
-Finish uni with a sustained average of 75 and above


Goals for the following year.

-Forgive, and move on. Enough said.
-Sustain a min average of 80% in all my courses
-Attain a part time job.
-Bat properly.
-Join the basketball team.
-Join the t&f team.

Those are the goals I have for the moment. Hope I can accomplish them all.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kill me , skin me alive, dig out my eyes, cut me to death slowly, give me any disease, rip my heart out, dig my brain out with nails, anything, anything... Why must it be this!!!! WHY MUST THIS SHIT HAPPEN!!!!

She is number 1...

I just watched "I am number 4" again. It kinda sucks that even a movie we watched on a date can affect me so much. I remember that we had seats for 2 different movies in that same theatre hall right behind the seat we were in the week before. I remember leaning over to kiss her several times throughout the movie. I remember thinking to my self that I will love Wern for the rest of my life. Kinda referenced it off the movie where he said, "our people will only fall for one person throughout their entire lifetime."

I was so sure that we were going to spend our lives together, so sure that she was the one. Even if you argue that there's more than one choice, she was the one I chose. Definitely... I prayed about it, spent a lot of time contemplating, asking if she was the one. In my heart I knew she was the one. Then why did we break up? After being so sure, we still broke up. After the movie, I thought to myself, "Life sucks, this is going to happen over and over and over again. Get back up and move on." Yet I'm still here blogging like an emo kid who is ready to slice up his hand...

This is the first relationship where I gave my all... Before this, I kept my heart hard and solid. Didn't get hurt, but at the same time I didn't feel much love either... Now when I finally soften my heart to someone, I ended up not being able to sustain it... I promised her I would go home, I promised her.... She was the first girl who actually told me that she loved me more than 50 times(not considering my mom). Sigh, I wish we could be together...

Take me home...

Please take me now... I feel like my heart is being continuously stabbed by fiery needles, kicked from all around, crushed by a boulder, eaten by a mouse... Please take me back home... I don't want to feel all the pain any more, I don't want to be hurt any more, I don't want to feel like this any more... If it isn't time to go home yet, please take my burden from me. Take it and carry me through the rest of my life... Take my heart, keep it, and may it be yours forever. Keep it safe from anyone, always keep it in your sight. Please teach me to love like how you love me, show me your heart and teach me to understand it. Never never never let me stray from your sight, keep me close in your arms and never let me go. You are the only one I can trust, you were the only one I could ever trust. You will never leave me, You will never forsake me, Your love is undying, Your love is pure...

Two wishes I can never get.

At the moment, I have two wishes...

My first wish is that I could turn back time to 2010 and come with Alex and my dad to Canada instead of waiting till 2011. So many things would have changed... I would probably be in at least grade 12 at the moment, I would probably be dating some Canadian girl and the most important part, I wouldn't have gotten together with  Wern and we would have moved on from each other already. Yea, we wouldn't have gone through the year together, that amazing year with her... BUT!!! Our hearts wouldn't be so tangled up right now...

If that had happened, my second wish is that she found another guy who has all my good qualities as well as a better version of my not so good qualities and most importantly, that he would not have any intentions of leaving Malaysia away from her sight... I remember telling myself that seeing her smile is one of the best experiences ever, and even if she was going to reject you for some other guy, I would be happy just to see her happy...

You have no idea how much you love someone until you lose them. A year and a month of happiness, 4years and 4 months taken to forget and let go... Sigh... Yea,she is still is the 2nd owner of my heart..

I can't stand it... ='(

Lord, is there no other way? Why must things end between Wern and I? Does committing my life mean that I must drop everything? For real? Everything? Remember when I asked you to let me have her as a partner after recommitting my life because I can't stand being alone? Didn't you create woman as a companion for man? Isn't she the one I'm going to marry in the future? Or was the plan for me to be single all along? Shouldn't it be easier for us to sustain a long distance relationship with you in our lives? Why is it then that we aren't able to? You see my tears, and you see her tears, you know the pain we feel and the struggles that we go through. Please tell me your plan. Please... I need to know... Trust you with all my heart, I know, but can't you just tell me?

Over two consecutive days I lost both my girlfriend and my best friend. Last night was probably the worst nights I've ever had over the 19 years of my life, I cried myself to sleep, probably tear-ed in my sleep cuz of the dream I had, and woke up in to morning and cried again after coming back to my senses. I've never felt this way before, my heart feels crushed and still trying to compress itself, my eyes start to tear at the very though of her name, the very sight of the slightest intimacy kills me inside and the inability to concentrate is overwhelming.

Why would you even try to act like it doesn't affect you? Is it because of what Ben said the other day to stay strong so that I'll have the satisfaction that I'm an essential part of your life? Or is that purely your own attitude? Can't you tell that I'm not like the average guy out there after being so close to me for so long?

If you didn't know before, I feel feelings, emotions, pain, suffering and all those things that most of the things that people usually associate with girls and what not because a lot of the guys out there hide it inside them and pretend it's nothing. Every waking moment to the time I sleep feels like someone is constantly killing my over and over again, constantly stabbing my heart with a flaming sword, and that not even half of what I feel.

If breaking up equates to an obligational hate towards me, then maybe it was for the best. It's not as if I'm screwing another girl here, it's not as if I'm staying here because I rather not go back to you. Honestly, I tried my best to be the best boyfriend I could be in a relationship between two Christians. I tried my best to guide you, but you ended up taking it as me telling you to do what I like or me judging you. I tried to do what we both wanted from the relationship, but it seems you have forgotten what they were.

Our main promise to each other was that we place God first, but in the end, you didn't like it either. I'm just going to assume the person you were talking about on you blog is me. Not everything I do supposed to make you chill, the verses were there to make me chill. I know you well enough to know that recently, that's that last thing that could make you chill, a jug of beer would probably do a better job. You were the person I held most dear, the break up affected me as well. I wan't going for the feeling of "I'm holier than thou", I was just hoping someone would see it and follow with an encouragement.

The End

I feel so so so lonely now, the girl who literally co-stars in some of my dreams just... just... walked out of my life in a sense. All our plans down the drain because I can't be sure if I'll go back or not. Our 8 years to marriage, our holiday by the beach, our time shopping together, our planning of our honeymoon in the future... Many just say "be strong, move on" but it's hard, incredibly difficult, even more so than quitting smoking if you ask me.

Get over her... Get over her... Get over her... Sigh, this is one of the hardest things in the world to do if you really care for the person. For those out there who want her, make sure you are able to take care of her better than I was able to, or else forget it. Don't even think about it.

It may be the time they have dinner, it may be a button that controls nuclear power, but one thing's for sure,  everyone has at least one thing that is under their control. Without that, we feel powerless, that's when you turn to God. Sadly, that's one of the main reason why we turn to Him.

Personally, I hate it when things can't be controlled. Things, not people. Situations as well. I hate it when I have no choice but to go to Canada to study, when my parents force their parental power on me, when my girlfriend puts down a call halfway through an argument(can't always blame her for doing it though), + a few more things that I can't remember. Thing I hate most is that I have to study here in Canada. Honestly, it sucks... 14C below 0 at the moment, and it supposed to be worst!! Everyone tells me how lucky I am that it's a mild winter. Nonsense... If I really were lucky, I would be back home in Malaysia. The worst part about it is that coming to Canada affects others as well. Actually, one other, my little girl Huey... 

The only good thing I can see about coming here is that we get to place our relationship in God's hands. One thing that we were too distracted to do when we were together in Malaysia because of the time we had left before I moved. The only problem is when one of us turns away from God, the relationship will struggle. In the end, when one turns away and loses faith in God, both suffers. The word sadness fails to describe the extent of what the other feels. It's like sorrow, helplessness and a feeling of hopelessness combined. All you can do now, is trust in God and pray for the other.

Some verses that encouraged & reminded me.

Psalms 55

 ²² Cast your burden on the LORD,
         And He shall sustain you; 
         He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.

at first I only remembered Matthew 7:13, but it seems that it has a lot of nice verses that applies to me there. Here's the basic outline.

Matthew 7

 ¹ “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.

  ⁷ “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

¹³ “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.

¹⁵ “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.

 ²¹ “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.

Anyway, it's already 5.4o here, gonna sleep already. Ciao. ;)