ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kill me , skin me alive, dig out my eyes, cut me to death slowly, give me any disease, rip my heart out, dig my brain out with nails, anything, anything... Why must it be this!!!! WHY MUST THIS SHIT HAPPEN!!!!

She is number 1...

I just watched "I am number 4" again. It kinda sucks that even a movie we watched on a date can affect me so much. I remember that we had seats for 2 different movies in that same theatre hall right behind the seat we were in the week before. I remember leaning over to kiss her several times throughout the movie. I remember thinking to my self that I will love Wern for the rest of my life. Kinda referenced it off the movie where he said, "our people will only fall for one person throughout their entire lifetime."

I was so sure that we were going to spend our lives together, so sure that she was the one. Even if you argue that there's more than one choice, she was the one I chose. Definitely... I prayed about it, spent a lot of time contemplating, asking if she was the one. In my heart I knew she was the one. Then why did we break up? After being so sure, we still broke up. After the movie, I thought to myself, "Life sucks, this is going to happen over and over and over again. Get back up and move on." Yet I'm still here blogging like an emo kid who is ready to slice up his hand...

This is the first relationship where I gave my all... Before this, I kept my heart hard and solid. Didn't get hurt, but at the same time I didn't feel much love either... Now when I finally soften my heart to someone, I ended up not being able to sustain it... I promised her I would go home, I promised her.... She was the first girl who actually told me that she loved me more than 50 times(not considering my mom). Sigh, I wish we could be together...

Take me home...

Please take me now... I feel like my heart is being continuously stabbed by fiery needles, kicked from all around, crushed by a boulder, eaten by a mouse... Please take me back home... I don't want to feel all the pain any more, I don't want to be hurt any more, I don't want to feel like this any more... If it isn't time to go home yet, please take my burden from me. Take it and carry me through the rest of my life... Take my heart, keep it, and may it be yours forever. Keep it safe from anyone, always keep it in your sight. Please teach me to love like how you love me, show me your heart and teach me to understand it. Never never never let me stray from your sight, keep me close in your arms and never let me go. You are the only one I can trust, you were the only one I could ever trust. You will never leave me, You will never forsake me, Your love is undying, Your love is pure...

Two wishes I can never get.

At the moment, I have two wishes...

My first wish is that I could turn back time to 2010 and come with Alex and my dad to Canada instead of waiting till 2011. So many things would have changed... I would probably be in at least grade 12 at the moment, I would probably be dating some Canadian girl and the most important part, I wouldn't have gotten together with  Wern and we would have moved on from each other already. Yea, we wouldn't have gone through the year together, that amazing year with her... BUT!!! Our hearts wouldn't be so tangled up right now...

If that had happened, my second wish is that she found another guy who has all my good qualities as well as a better version of my not so good qualities and most importantly, that he would not have any intentions of leaving Malaysia away from her sight... I remember telling myself that seeing her smile is one of the best experiences ever, and even if she was going to reject you for some other guy, I would be happy just to see her happy...

You have no idea how much you love someone until you lose them. A year and a month of happiness, 4years and 4 months taken to forget and let go... Sigh... Yea,she is still is the 2nd owner of my heart..