I can't stand it... ='(

Lord, is there no other way? Why must things end between Wern and I? Does committing my life mean that I must drop everything? For real? Everything? Remember when I asked you to let me have her as a partner after recommitting my life because I can't stand being alone? Didn't you create woman as a companion for man? Isn't she the one I'm going to marry in the future? Or was the plan for me to be single all along? Shouldn't it be easier for us to sustain a long distance relationship with you in our lives? Why is it then that we aren't able to? You see my tears, and you see her tears, you know the pain we feel and the struggles that we go through. Please tell me your plan. Please... I need to know... Trust you with all my heart, I know, but can't you just tell me?

Over two consecutive days I lost both my girlfriend and my best friend. Last night was probably the worst nights I've ever had over the 19 years of my life, I cried myself to sleep, probably tear-ed in my sleep cuz of the dream I had, and woke up in to morning and cried again after coming back to my senses. I've never felt this way before, my heart feels crushed and still trying to compress itself, my eyes start to tear at the very though of her name, the very sight of the slightest intimacy kills me inside and the inability to concentrate is overwhelming.

Why would you even try to act like it doesn't affect you? Is it because of what Ben said the other day to stay strong so that I'll have the satisfaction that I'm an essential part of your life? Or is that purely your own attitude? Can't you tell that I'm not like the average guy out there after being so close to me for so long?

If you didn't know before, I feel feelings, emotions, pain, suffering and all those things that most of the things that people usually associate with girls and what not because a lot of the guys out there hide it inside them and pretend it's nothing. Every waking moment to the time I sleep feels like someone is constantly killing my over and over again, constantly stabbing my heart with a flaming sword, and that not even half of what I feel.

If breaking up equates to an obligational hate towards me, then maybe it was for the best. It's not as if I'm screwing another girl here, it's not as if I'm staying here because I rather not go back to you. Honestly, I tried my best to be the best boyfriend I could be in a relationship between two Christians. I tried my best to guide you, but you ended up taking it as me telling you to do what I like or me judging you. I tried to do what we both wanted from the relationship, but it seems you have forgotten what they were.

Our main promise to each other was that we place God first, but in the end, you didn't like it either. I'm just going to assume the person you were talking about on you blog is me. Not everything I do supposed to make you chill, the verses were there to make me chill. I know you well enough to know that recently, that's that last thing that could make you chill, a jug of beer would probably do a better job. You were the person I held most dear, the break up affected me as well. I wan't going for the feeling of "I'm holier than thou", I was just hoping someone would see it and follow with an encouragement.

The End

I feel so so so lonely now, the girl who literally co-stars in some of my dreams just... just... walked out of my life in a sense. All our plans down the drain because I can't be sure if I'll go back or not. Our 8 years to marriage, our holiday by the beach, our time shopping together, our planning of our honeymoon in the future... Many just say "be strong, move on" but it's hard, incredibly difficult, even more so than quitting smoking if you ask me.

Get over her... Get over her... Get over her... Sigh, this is one of the hardest things in the world to do if you really care for the person. For those out there who want her, make sure you are able to take care of her better than I was able to, or else forget it. Don't even think about it.